cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feelings, Chrissy, abilities, happiness, love Well I guess my attempt to stop writing in the fucking thing failed. Well hello. I'm fucking depressed. Well yesterday I went to Planetfest with Chrissy, Shawn, and Amy. On the most part, it was fucking fun as hell. I just hate being in love with someone but not being with them. Don't get me wrong; I can deal with it. I just don't like it. I can tell that by being this way.. as friends.. makes Chrissy happy at this moment in time. I have to learn how to control my own selfishness and put that aside. In a way.. that guy who drew the picture of Chrissy after the show was right. When you give something you never really lose anything. I don't exactly agree with his religious spin on it.. but I do agree with the fact that when you give you aren't really losing anything. If I don't push Chrissy twoards a relationship and give up my main want.. I get to see her happy and give her her main want in the situation. That's about as equal as my main want. Want is a funny word. I tend to get my mind fixated on one possiblity. I need to learn to fix that. I need to look at the situation like this: Chrissy is completely happy with the situation. That makes me happy somehow and if we can both be happy, then that's the best possible situation. Can we be happy in the future as more? Heh. Let's not even think about it right now. I don't know. I'm supposed to be moving by the end of the year, but you never know. I mean, if I were to push her into a relationship.. it would be all happy and nice for about 2 days for both of us, but then something would fall apart, either because she's not ready for a relationship or for any other reason that can change later on. So then she'd start getting depressed with the relationship and I'd start getting pissed off with it, but I'd still be happy. So if we're in a relationship... there's one person who isn't happy and one person who's pissed but content. Now, why the hell am I sitting here thinking that being pissed but content is better than being happy to a level and having the other person being happy too? The answer has to be love.. not wanting to lose her. But I won't lose her. Especially not as a friend. I don't know if things will settle down and she'll be ready for me and I'll have my problems taken care of in the future enough to actually want to be together. Who knows. I mean, she's right.. we have changed from the past.. and the only way we're going to work is if we both grow in sync again without forcing it. So I'm not going to. Tim is putting his selfishness aside. Heh. Put that on your calendar. I spent a while thinking about this because I finally realized she is the most important person to me. I had to have her and Katie in my presence to realize it. But yeah.. there were a couple of moments yesterday when I felt happy with everything. When Audiovent was playing I stole a kiss from her. Heh. I don't know how hammered she was at the time.. and it didn't feel right or wrong. I just did it. I mean, there was no talk about it afterwards.. it was like it almost didn't even happen. Kisses turn to memories a lot. You realize that after you're not with someone anymore. You think about all the kisses and cuddling and shit and it hurts. It hurts everyone sooner or later in life. I mean, this kiss isn't even a big deal.. but it's became a memory I can think of.. and unlike all the other kisses and stuff, this one won't depress me. Because you can't lose what you don't have. Anyways, the other time I felt 100% happy yesterday was when Angel's Son was on by Sevendust and I held Chrissy from behind and had my head on her shoulder and she put her hand on my hand on her stomach. That did mean a lot to me. I felt something, but not as strong as it has been in the past. It was more of like a better-than-friends-but-not-together sort of vibe. Like we know there is something in our hearts for each other, but it's not friends and it's not lovers (right now).. but for right now it's something that's reassuring me that I won't lose her.. Especially as a friend. (That's the second time I said that for a reason... I believe it.) But anyways.. why are her and I so unstable together? I don't know. We weren't meant to be together right now and she knows that and I need to acknowledge that.. because I know it too. Maybe the feeling was our past.. but I don't think so. I think it really was a feeling that was saying "you won't lose me again." Maybe being friends wont be so bad. Maybe I need to look past my tunnel vision of being fixated on one possible outcome. Yes, that's what needs to happen. Besides, if there's anything I can do to have a better chance at us being together again, it's showing her that I appreciate her wants and by just not making such a big deal about going out with her. That's what my diary is for...so I can say shit in here and not make it so that everyone else has to deal with it. Chrissy needs to breathe too. Maybe the alcohol was the cause of the kiss and the hand.. but even alcohol can't hide when you care about someone. If anything, it showed me that she worries about me a lot. Worries about how I feel. She's not wanting to go out with me because she thinks it will hurt me if she doesn't. She's not wanting to go out with me because she thinks it will hurt me if she does. And you know what? She's probably right. I have a weird ability to pick up feelings from people. Especially with Chrissy. I can write thousands of words on a feeling.. and I love doing it. It's what makes me think I've got some ability that 99.9% of the world doesn't have. I'm very analytical about things.. amazingly analytical down to every detail.. so when you mix that with my ability to feel the feelings of people I know, I have almost a psychic like ability to know what's going on in someones life and exactly how many people have that feeling. I can tell when people are truly in love. I can tell when someone is hurt. But most of all.. I can answer to WHY these people are hurt or in love. I mean, don't get me wrong. I do have to actually know the people well to know why.. but the more I know, the closer I am with everything. It's all the ability to absorb the feelings of someone, mesh it with their personality and find out exactly what's causing it. So that's my gift and that's what makes me happy. It makes me happy to be one of the few people who can understand why Chrissy is the way she is. Why she can go from being happy to being depressed. Why I can tell we love each.. due to our past, our caring in the present, and our faith in each other that we won't leave the other or lose touch in the future. Chrissy and I have a lot to offer one another. We're the only ones, in my opinion, that can really understand each other at the levels that we can. Shawn is pretty high up there too. I don't want to make this into a competition type of thing, though. I've felt love before Chrissy.. but that was dying love. Or maybe it wasn't love at all. Love isn't supposed to die. But what I have with Chrissy won't die. We'll always have something inside of ourselves reserved for each other. Oh well. I'm thinking about making it so I'm the only one who can read this diary because It might not be too safe being this analytical about situations and having other people read them. I mean, I seem analytical now.. and that's because I am.. but in life I don't stop every 5 minutes and evaluate things.. only when I'm in bed at night, or writing in here. I'm pretty impulsive in real life. I go for things. That's why I can write one thing, and then go off the next day and do the complete opposite and end up getting hurt. When will I ever learn? Oh well. Tim PS: Looking back on what I've written.. I didn't realize how much my feelings have changed just by venting what I've felt. First I was depressed and didn't understand why we aren't together.. and by writing I'm happy (I found a reason) and I'm happy we're not together (it makes her happy). Wee, I think I found another reason to write in my diary! PPS: Check this shit out, I just read this after I wrote this entry: Today you could find yourself settling into a comfortable romantic groove, Tim. Recent stresses in your relationship seem to have passed, and it's time to enjoy simply being with your partner. Try to make some space and time to share your thoughts with each other today. You'll enjoy talking about some of the things that are on your mind and making plans for your future. It's time to move forward in your personal life. Your Rising Sign [Edit your Rising Sign information] --------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------- - The Sun in Libra is working overtime. Take advantage of this configuration, as it helps shed light on your behavior in your relationships. The ram has an acute Achilles' heel. Why is it that you are absolutely charming with people, yet never take their advice or even pay attention to their opinions? This question is especially worthy of consideration now. 1:07 p.m. - 2002-09-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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