cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Leo, Butch Walker, Katie, Chrissy I've come to the conclusion that when I'm with Leo (when we're friends) I don't really care about having a girlfriend (although I don't mind it.) She cares about me and I think I was mistaken when I said I didn't. I just think she has a really vague way of showing how much she really cares. She's my concert buddy. I always love going to shows with her, becuase we get hooked on the same bands. Blah. This Butch Walker CD reminds me of Chrissy, Katie, and Shawn. It's weird. "Into the Black" is Leo's favorite song. Either "Into the Black," "Diary of a San Fernando Sexx Star", or "If (Jeannie's Song)" is my favorite. (Or all 3). I talked to Katie for a couple minutes right before I started writing this entry. She seems to be doing alright. I don't know what it is with her, but I feel I always have the obligation to support her. If she were to ask for money, I would go and get a job. Her and I are really similar. We've always known that. There's not really a bond there anymore, though. I'm thinking about the past. One day I walked to her house from Point Peter and we sat and watched a Horse show on TV. She was sitting in front of me, putting her head on my chest. I remember walking away one day coz I had gotten pissed at something and she ran after me and put her arms around my waist and brought them up to my shoulders and pulled me close to her and put her head on my shoulder and told me not to go. I'm saying this because I realize this explains so much. This is explains why I always try to walk away when I get pissed off, I want someone to walk up and grab me from behind and just hold me. This explains why I can't stop thinking why I want to just wrap my arms around someone from behind and I watch TV with them. I guess those were the happiest times I've ever had in a relationship. I don't understand why I feel the bond with Chrissy, though. The bond that will always be there when I least expect to feel it. I guess I just love what I see in Chrissy's soul and I love what she does for mine. I can't sit here and be sorry that it didn't work out though. But fate has made it that I can see this beauty. The beauty of how perfect a relationship can be (Katie & I), how perfect the feeling between two people can be (Chrissy & I), and how much someone caring for you can help you rise above on the feelings, even though you can't have them anymore, and how you can look down on them and smile and be happy it happened at all and that you've grown from it. (Leona is the person that brings me higher). That's why Leo & I can't go out, nor do I think we'd want to. She does something to me when I just talk to her where I can realize the two most beautiful things in my life.. how a perfect relationship is supposed to be.. and how feeling perfectally in tune with another person is... and then she shows me I shouldn't be happy if it doesn't work out. Leona doesn't even know she's doing this. It's hard to explain how she does it. I just know she makes me really happy. She's like Butch Walker in "If (Jeannie's Song)". "If I could be the chains I'd fall off you and let you fly to the angels, If I could be the pain I'd run so far away from you." I guess I just need to thank God, my God, for these three amazing people. Tim PS: JULIE NEEDS TO COME HOME. I MISS HER! 6:08 a.m. - 2002-07-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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