cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the problem with lots of friends, Julie Hello. I wanna go downtown, but I don't wanna see anyone. Can't I just have a fireworks show for myself? Well, no, that wouldn't be too much fun. Can't I just have everyone on good terms. That's what sucks having so many friends, someones always going to be on bad terms with you. Right now, there are 2 people. Well.. 2 or 3, but only two who make me not even want to go right now. Of course I only realize the two main people and don't even look at what I have. Hehe. I'm just weird. Last night Katie asked me for Shawn's diary password and I told her I didn't know. I've had Shawn's diary URL and Chrissy's diary URL on block ever since Chrissy and I broke up. I made it a restricted site in Internet Explorer's content advisor and had my friend type in a password. It's pretty lame, but it's the only way I can sever my ties for the time being, until they're ready to change. If they don't change, oh well, right? Not that I don't want them to. I just don't like being lied to. "thirteen rings and i picked up my cell phone and you gave me hell for a while" THAT ONE'S FOR YOU KATE! She adores that song. So do I. This is my 450th entry, by the way. Hehe. Well I haven't updated everyone on the big story right now. Julie got pretty messed up last night. It kinda hurt me. She was clean for like 6 weeks. I needed time to think about things and I am mad at her, but I do want to work through it. I told her I wanted to be around for her as long as I could and I plan to. I want to be able to care for her, but have her care for me. Her and I are both the type where we don't put effort in our own lives but want to put our efforts into one other person. She [seems to] really likes me. Remember, she was messed up last night. She was declaring her feelings for me, and I do feel them back. I need 3 or 4 days to get on the right track, though. I told her I don't want anything over the internet and I want something long term, but we seem to have come to a decision about things. I mean, she does only live about only an hour and 45 minutes from Athens, plus she wants to visit St. Marys again. I just want to live up to her expectations. I know I can help her a lot, and I know she can help me. I just need my three or four days before jumping into anything. She kinda seems insecure about how I feel, even though I've told her. I think it made her feel insecure when I don't want to jump into anything sexual. That would probably happen anyways. She seems to be fascinated by my struggles, as she can relate to them. I'm fascinated by hers, but I don't want to think I can cure them by myself, because I can't. That's up to her. I can probably help, though. She seems to find fascination in my musical tastes too, listening to shit she's never heard before. I don't know. I never did get to hear that Pearl Jam song last night. Right as the sun was coming up, we were still talking, I put on my acoustic Butch Walker stuff from 98 and it made me thing. Especially the acoustic of "The Last Sleep". Just the feel of it. Blah.. I'm just scared. I want to do this, I know I do. I feel this connection with her. I've only felt it with 2 other people. All 3 of the people had a different connection. Only one of them felt completely real though (Chrissy). I'm not saying this connection with Julie isn't completely real, I'm just saying I need my 3 or 4 days to point in the right direction and clear my mind. I definetly have feelings for her. I'm just going to shut up until I know a good way to say it. Love 3:41 p.m. - 2002-07-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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