cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Julie, Chrissy, Mom, Dad, Kate I decided not to go. I'm just not up for travel. My only reasons for going were to have spent some time with Julie maybe and to have seen Butch Walker. My dad would always be working and we'd never get to anything. It sucks. Plus my mom just got home. I don't know, this is going to sound lame, but I actually laid down for bed and didn't think just about Chrissy. She was still there, and I still felt a pleasure (and pain, of course) in my heart, but I actually thought about Julie. It's probably because I had just spent 3 or 4 hours on the phone talking to her. She's amazing, she can relate to me in so many ways. I don't think there is potential for anything more than a friendship, though. I definetely love talking to her, it makes me feel good. She goes through a lot of the same spiritual struggles I go through. That's what's amazing to me. I didn't think anyone would know where I was coming from. We have a lot of things we can't relate, either. Different experiences and things that happen and such, but we seem to have the same thought process. I'm not obsessing over her, believe me. I'm writing in my diary how I feel about things so far. I feel bad now, my mom told me my dad was crying because he knew if I went we'd just get on each others nerves, and we'd never do anything. It's true, and it hurts me too. I think he cares, honestly. I think he's changed. I just don't know. I know it hurts him, but I think he and I both know it'd be better if I didn't go up there at this time. So I guess I'm not going to Athens. In other news, MOM IS HOME. She got me a piggy bank cow, a stuffed kangaroo, and a box full of fucking candy. My dad gave me $40 before he left, so I'm up to $45. Ok, back to the issues at hand. I still haven't found anyone I relate to as much as Chrissy. I relate to her on almost everything I feel except when it comes to a few things. Drugs and religion. It scares me to see her shield herself in drugs and alcohol. I've never seen her so dedicated to making something work out before, not even our first relationship.. If someone fronts the idea of maybe getting stoned or wasted, she doesn't let it die. She tries to think of a lot of options. That scares me. I'm not here to bash her as a person. I sat and thought about holding her, and being physical with her. It's kind of hard to think of other stuff right now. I'm still kind of bitter about the end, so the physical stuff is what I'm remembering. I'm sure once I get over it I will be able to think more about the bond in between us instead of what we did physically when we had time to ourselves. Sexual addiction is funny. Your true feelings are sometimes masked by your thoughts. I never thought about being in love with Chrissy, just hittin that shit with her. It's not to say that I didn't love her and that wasn't the most important thing to me. I know what I feel in my heart. I find it amazing Chrissy & I DIDN'T sleep together. I know if we were ever alone, I still wouldn't have slept with her. It's starting to show my addiction is becoming weaker. The fact is I did love her (and still do), but a lot of times it's hard to think about things other than sex until you've got the thoughts of sex out of your mind. I know love comes from the heart, because I can feel it simutaneously even if my mind's in use. I mean, people don't cry because you don't have sex with someone. I may think about sex with her, but I'm not crying because we didn't have sex, and if we would have I wouldn't be crying because I miss it. I miss the ability to feel what she was feeling and know what she was thinking. I miss talking about unimportant shit, and holding her. I miss what made us our best at our best. I know it sounds lame. I keep typing "missed" but keep going back and erasing the "ed". I wonder why. Well, I'm going to go. I'll read this entry later and if it doesn't look right to how I'm trying to describe it, I'll update you. I feel good, though. I actually am up to about a 6 now. Go team! This kangaroo is reminding me of Kate. She's changed a lot. We've grown far apart. Horribly far. I remember nights back in the day, when I was really insomniac, when I'd just spend my nights on the internet talking to her. I knew Australians were good for something! Just kidding. So Kate, I know you read this... I just wanna say that even though we've grown apart, I do appreciate the past, present, and hopefully the future as friends. I'm writing this here so you can look back on it anytime you want. Woo, my mom brought me a shit load of candy. Big smiles over here. She spent time putting a bunch of smiley faces on the box. It makes me realize that my mom missed me as much as I missed her. I'm such a pansy. Oh well. I usually don't spend time writing entries about how I feel about other people, unless I'm upset. So this one is a freebie. Tim 1:33 p.m. - 2002-06-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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